An Anxious Heart Breeds Brokenness

Heavy Struggles

My mood is so easily affected by the weather.
If it’s dark and gloomy, my spirit knows it and sends me into a tired and sulky state. It takes everything in me to put a smile on my face and get out of bed because I’m not happy. I’m sad. Rainy and gloomy weather makes me sad. How am I supposed to be energetic and happy when it looks like the end of the world outside?

Is that normal, though?

Should my feelings be so easily dependent on outside circumstances? If it’s dark and gloomy, I’m sad. Is there beauty in rain? Can there be beauty in a gloomy day? I’m sure there can be. I think I might just subconsciously refuse to see it, but TODAY! Today I didn’t have to deal with that depressing weather because today is the first cool day of the year. So, to take advantage of this “happy” day, I grabbed a blanket and headed to the park to enjoy the weather.

As I lay there on a blanket at the local park, I saw birds flying overhead. They were gliding through the air so carefree. I thought of the verse in Matthew where it says,

“Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or stow away in barns yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”

I sat there and worried about all the things of life and all the uncertainties looming over my head. Then I looked up again to see the grass in the big field moving to the rhythm of the wind. And then I again remembered Jesus’s words in Matthew:

“See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field (which is here today and tomorrow thrown into the fire) will He not much more clothe you? O ye of little faith!”

Warrior, Not Worrier

Worrying is what I do. I label myself a worrier. I find my comfort there. Complacent I sit, all in my own head, relying on my own control. I run myself ragged. I become exhausted and emotionally malnourished. My hands are feeble. I attempt to find rest in sleep, yet I wake up with droopy eyes and a sluggish spirit. The anxiety overcomes me. I know it’s not good for my spirit, but I can’t get out of this dwelling place. My steps to recovery are not working. The comfort I am seeking is causing me more distress. I am weak and it is taking everything I have to get out of bed in the morning. Opening my eyes, my body instantly feels the weight of the worry I’m holding onto. I cling to it as if it saves me. As if it brings consolation and peace.

I easily forget that it only brings disparity.

I forget that an anxious heart breeds brokenness. So, on a fluke day in November, I come to a park and sit down by myself and let my pen take off. I see birds and I see grass. And I could take that as an insignificant addition to my day, but instead, my spirit is heightened and my chin is tilted up from my journal to see birds flying and grass dancing to the rhythm of the wind. And then I am reminded.

I am reminded that I am cared for.

That I have purpose.

That I am loved.

I am reminded that I am valued.

Not only am I just valued, but I am of the highest value. That I am significant and intentionally created for a specific purpose. My identity is not found in an anxious spirit, but in the Holy Spirit. My bruised and battered heart is being held in the hands of my Maker. I am more than a worrier, I am a warrior.

The birds seem so insignificant when we see them. We look up to see them soaring around and don’t give them much thought. And yet, they exist to remind us that the Lord takes care of those birds. If the Lord of Hosts, the Master of all Creation, is mindful of the birds, is He not so much more mindful of us?

The grass. There’s nothing much more seemingly insignificant than grass. We walk on it and feel its cushion beneath our feet, yet we don’t think twice of its purpose. What if the grass wasn’t created just for making our walks more enjoyable? What if it was created to remind us that the beauty that encompasses the grass is multiplied by the thousands in our own beauty? That the grass that gets walked on and dug up is “clothed in splendor.”

A Promise

So, if Jesus has paid that much attention to grass, won’t He be mindful of us all the more? We are His workmanship! And we are worth far more than birds or grass.

So as I reflect on this concept, one I’ve heard since I was old enough to listen, my spirit relaxes. “I am worth more than these things, and my Father will take care of me”. I am free to hand over the control of my life to my Maker. He knows what I need. Just like He knows what the birds need and what the grass needs. He is the ultimate Caretaker. An anxious heart is detrimental to the joy that’s in store for me as a daughter of the King. He is watching over me and rejoicing over me. I have more to give than anxious leftovers from a burnt out heart. There is more to me than what anxiety says I am. I can experience true freedom and joy, fully trusting in the Lord to take care of me as He has promised.

And if I ever doubt His ability to do so, I can just look up at the birds of the sky or down at the grass of the field.


 

Rachel is 22, married, & living in Orlando, FL. She has a strong love for Jesus, her husband, and writing. She is currently learning what it looks like to be still with the Lord and stop the glorification of busy in her life. It is difficult but also rewarding as she grows deeper and deeper in her trust of Christ! The perfect day for her would be to wake up without an alarm, go cuddle and swim with otters all day, then be back in bed by 9:00pm- basically, sleep and otters- her two favorite things. She loves to meet new people – so introduce yourself below, connect with Rachel in our Writing group, or visit  Rachel’s blog!

November 30, 2016

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